


A Loon By Any Other Name

by Lbilover



Category: The Lord of the Rings (Movies)
Genre: Abandon All Canon Ye Who Enter Here, Humor, M/M, Parody, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 18:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8929018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lbilover/pseuds/Lbilover
Summary: A very different take on Frodo's awakening in Rivendell and the Council of Elrond scene...





	

**Author's Note:**

> At an exhibit of Tolkien manuscripts in NYC at Fordham University, I discovered an intriguing note that Tolkien made in a discussion of Elvish language pronunciation. To wit: **Frodo was more skilled with unusual sounds**. 
> 
> Curious, after I got home, I set out to investigate this claim, and to my eternal joy, stumbled over a previously unknown section of the unexpurgated screenplay for the Fellowship of the Ring movie!! Amazing! Clearly Peter must also have found Tolkien's manuscript note, and added it to the unexpurgated version of the screenplay. Even better, this screenplay I found includes screencaps, so we know that in fact they DID film the unexpurgated movie!! :O
> 
> Originally 'written' in 2014.

IMAGE: A BRIGHT LIGHT suddenly flares ... FRODO squeezes his eyes shut, GASPING.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=rivendell004.jpg)

FRODO  
(frightened)  
Where am I?

A FAMILIAR VOICE cuts through the swirl of SOUND.

GANDALF (O.S.)  
You are in the House of Elrond, and it is ten o’clock in the morning on October the twenty-fourth, if you want to know.

INT. FRODO’S BEDROOM - DAY  
FRODO’S eyes flicker OPEN ... He is lying in bed next to an OPEN WINDOW ... DAPPLED sunlight plays on richly carved timbers ... the sound of a nearby waterfall drifts through the VISTA of FIR TREES.

FRODO  
(weak relief)  
Gandalf!

ANGLE ON: GANDALF IS SITTING NEXT TO FRODO’S BED ... softly puffing on his pipe. He smiles at FRODO.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1583.jpg)

GANDALF  
Yes, I'm here. And you're lucky to be here too, after falling on your behind so many times. But you have some strength in you, my dear Hobbit. It’s barely bruised.

FRODO sits up, wincing SLIGHTLY. 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1587.jpg)

CLOSE ON: FRODO looks questioningly at GANDALF.

FRODO  
Where’s Sam?

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1589.jpg)

GANDALF  
Oh, I sent him off to fetch some yak cream to massage your buttocks. He should be back before long.

FRODO  
(perking up a little)  
Yak cream? Buttock massage? That sounds promising. 

FRODO (CONT’D)  
But what happened, Gandalf? Why didn't you meet us?

GANDALF  
I am sorry, Frodo.

CLOSE ON: GANDALF ... troubled. His eyes drift AWAY.

GANDALF (CONT’D)  
I was, erm, delayed.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1621.jpg)

CUT TO:  
EXT. ORTHANC SUMMIT - NIGHT  
SARUMAN stands over GANDALF, GLOATING...

SARUMAN  
A love affair with Saruman is not so lightly thrown aside.

With the power of his ‘staff’, SARUMAN tosses GANDALF from one side of ORTHANC to the edge of the other side where he holds GANDALF, suspended ... as if GANDALF is standing on the side of the TOWER.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1599.jpg)

SARUMAN  
One rejection deserves another. It is over, sweetcakes. Embrace the power of the Cock-ring or embrace your own destruction!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1606.jpg)

SARUMAN raises GANDALF again, then sends him crashing to the FLOOR!

GANDALF  
There is only one Lord of the Cock-ring. Only one who can bend it to his will... and he does not do threesomes. Neither do I!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1610.jpg)

SUDDENLY! GANDALF lurches to his feet and THROWS himself off the TOWER! SARUMAN watches GANDALF fly away from ISENGARD ... on the BACK of a GIANT EAGLE.

SARUMAN  
(chilling)  
So you have chosen celibacy.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=saruman.jpg)

EXT. SKIES OVER MOUNTAINS - DAWN  
GWAIHIR THE WINDLORD soars majestically over the mountains, carrying GANDALF towards the DAWN.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1619.jpg)

GANDALF  
(shaking his head)  
‘Sweetcakes’? What did I ever see in him, Gwaihir? Was it simply the size of his staff? 

GWAIHIR  
Don’t ask me. I’m only a _deus ex machina_ sent in at odd times by the Professor, and not allowed to do anything useful, like fly the One Cock-ring to Mount Doom and drop it in Sauron’s Crack.

GANDALF  
(muttering)  
Purist.

CUT TO:  
INT. FRODO’S BEDROOM, RIVENDELL - DAY  
FRODO raises himself up and looks at GANDALF.

FRODO  
Gandalf! What is it?

GANDALF returns his attention to FRODO.

GANDALF  
Nothing, Frodo... well, I broke up with my boyfriend, if you must know.

CLOSE ON: FRODO oozes SYMPATHY.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1623.jpg)

GANDALF STARTS TO RISE FROM HIS CHAIR WHEN…

ANGLE ON: SAM FLIES TO FRODO’S BEDSIDE. He is absolutely beside himself with joy to find FRODO AWAKE.

SAM  
Frodo! Frodo! Bless you, you’re awake!! I knew I oughtn’t to have listened to Mr. Gandalf when he sent me off to find something to massage your bum. I asked every perishing Elf in this place, Mr. Gandalf, and not a one of ‘em has heard of yak cream.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1629-1.jpg)

GANDALF  
(attempting to look innocent)  
No?

SAM LOOKS SUSPICIOUS FOR A MOMENT THEN TURNS TO FRODO.

SAM  
But don’t you worry, Frodo dear, if there ain’t no yak cream, we’ll find something else, won’t we, Mr. Gandalf?

GANDALF  
(jovially)  
Of course, we will. In fact, Samwise, you might go and inquire if they have any mumakil unguent, while I fill Frodo in on what has been happen…

CLOSE ON: FRODO glares at GANDALF and shrugs his shoulder so that his silken nightdress slips down to reveal a pert brown NIPPLE. 

PULL BACK: FRODO AND SAMWISE GAZE ADORINGLY at each OTHER.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1626.gif)

ANGLE ON: SAM VAULTS ONTO THE BED and starts licking enthusiastically at Frodo’s NIPPLE.

FRODO UTTERS A ULULATING MOAN.

CLOSE ON: GANDALF sighs, glances toward the door and clears his THROAT.

GANDALF  
(loudly)  
Oh look, it’s Elrond. (even more loudly) By the skills of Lord Elrond, Frodo, you’re beginning to mend.

CLOSE ON: FRODO WITH EYES CLOSED, FACE PERSPIRING.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1581.jpg)

FRODO  
(still moaning)  
UHUHUHUH UHUHUHUH UHUHUHUH OOH OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH

ANGLE ON: ELROND, LORD OF THE HIGH ELVES, steps up to FRODO’S bedside .. his face is neither old nor young, though in it is written the memory of many things both glad and sorrowful – and also astonishing, like the sight of SAM GAMGEE suckling FRODO's NIPPLE right in front of HIM.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1632.jpg)

FRODO (O.S.)  
(still moaning)  
AROO AROO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO AROO AROO

ELROND  
(eyebrows raised)  
_Beginning_ to mend, Gandalf? Hobbits really are amazing creatures, as you’ve told me a thousand times. Such recuperative powers are astonishing. But what _is_ that unearthly racket? It sounds like the mating call of the rare Tol Eressёan scarlet-footed booby. I never thought to hear it in Rivendell of all places.

GANDALF  
It’s no booby, it’s Frodo. He always has been skilled with, erm, unusual sounds. Just ask anyone who lives within a 10 mile radius of Hobbiton. Or possibly 12. 

CLOSE ON: ELROND looks REMINISCENT.

ELROND  
Ah, it recalls the halcyon days of my youth in the West, when Gil-galad and I would… But that’s neither here nor there.

ELROND (CONT’D)  
(loudly)  
Frodo.  
(shouting)  
FRODO!

ANGLE ON: FRODO RELUCTANTLY PUSHES SAM AWAY and sits up, looking at ELROND with AWE.

< [](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1620.jpg)

FRODO  
(amazed)  
Jeepers – no offense, but aren’t Elves supposed to appear about 30 years old and have complexions smoother than a baby’s bottom? Maybe you should look into that yak cream Gandalf was telling Sam about. 

ELROND  
(startled)  
Yak cream?

FRODO  
And tweezers. Your eyebrows could use some neatening up.

ELROND  
(outraged)  
My eyebrows are fine! It was Gil-galad who needed tweezers. Did you know that in the high Elven tongue Gil-galad means ‘Uni-brow’?

FRODO  
Really? Bilbo told me it means ‘starlight’.

GANDALF (O.S.) COUGHS LOUDLY.

ELROND  
Yes, well, enough about that. Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins.

FRODO  
Thanks! Now, can Sam and I have a little privacy? (turns to Sam) Just pick up right where you left off -- only lower down, please.

SAM  
(eagerly)  
Right away, Frodo dear!

SAM DIVES UNDER THE BEDCLOTHES.

CLOSE ON: GANDALF looks WISTFUL.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1622.jpg)

EXT. RIVENDELL VALLEY – DAY

WIDE ON: RIVENDELL … a small cluster of elegant ELVEN BUILDINGS sitting in a Shangri-la like VALLEY below towering cliffs and snow capped MOUNTAINS.

ANGLE ON: FRODO limps outside and looks out from his BALCONY.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1637.jpg)

CUT TO:  
EXT. RIVENDELL TERRACE - AFTERNOON  
SAM busily tries to stuff more and more things into his already full pack ... pots and pans, blankets, cooking utensils, provisions, CLOTHES.

SAM  
Now, what have I forgotten?

PULL BACK TO REVEAL: FRODO, hands in his pockets, watching SAM.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1676.jpg)

SAM  
(slightly embarrassed)  
I plum forgot the lavender oil.

FRODO strolls to the edge of the BALCONY.

ANGLE ON: FRODO and SAM hands in POCKETS.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1677.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1679.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1681.jpg)

 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1684.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1680.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1685.jpg)

CLOSE ON: FRODO opens his hand, the ONE COCK-RING sits in his PALM.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1686.jpg)

FRODO (CONT’D)  
You can wear the One Cock-ring, and we’ll keep going all night, and maybe right on into tomorrow.

CLOSE ON: SAM gazes at the ONE COCK-RING. Or possibly something below IT.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1687.jpg)

FRODO  
Don’t worry, Sam. It’s adjustable.

CUT TO:  
INT. ELROND’S CHAMBER, RIVENDELL – THREE DAYS LATER  
GANDALF and ELROND listen from ELROND’S balcony. An eerie noise can be heard wafting across the VALLEY.

UHUHUHUH UHUHUHUH UHUHUHUH OOH OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH

ELROND  
His strength returns. Glorfindel asked me if there was an oliphaunt loose on the grounds last night. 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1702.jpg)

GANDALF  
But Frodo finds it embarrassing, Elrond. He doesn’t want everyone to know it’s him. And after all, he and Sam _have_ been going off into the woods and caves to, erm, do it.

ELROND  
(aggravated)  
With the result that half the Elves in Rivendell believe the woods are haunted, and the other half believe strange species of animals never seen in this part of Middle-earth before have taken up residence.

GANDALF  
Oh dear.

ELROND:  
Gandalf, we have a Council coming up tomorrow. I’m sure to be asked. What are we going to tell people? (sarcastically) Or perhaps I should just hand out cotton-wool to everyone so they can plug their ears.

GANDALF  
I’d suggest consulting Radagast, as he is an expert on animal cries, but unfortunately he’s been written out of the movies.

GANDALF turns and looks out the WINDOW.

AROO AROO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO AROO AROO

ANGLES ON: Sounds of arrivals ... GANDALF watches as BOROMIR rides through the RIVENDELL gate, 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1718.jpg)

 

followed by LEGOLAS, 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1721.jpg)

 

and GIMLI.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1722-1.jpg)

CLOSE ON: GANDALF looks PENSIVE.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1716.jpg)

ANGLE ON: ELROND looks DISBELIEVING.

ELROND  
A loon? There are no loons in Rivendell.

GANDALF  
(muttering)  
Oh no?  
(louder)  
I’ll speak to Aragorn. He owes me one for getting Legolas out of his hair by having Thranduil assign him to be Gollum’s principal guard, and besides, everyone believes a Ranger.

CUT TO:  
EXT. WOODS AROUND RIVENDELL  
SAMWISE is giving FRODO a BLOWJOB.

FRODO  
UHUHUHUH UHUHUHUH UHUHUHUH OOH OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0874.jpg)

FRODO (CONT’D)  
AROO AROO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO OO-OO-OOOOO AROO AROO

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0883.jpg)

FRODO (CONT’D)  
UNHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0887.jpg)

FRODO CLIMAXES with an unearthly, glass-shattering squeal and collapses. SAM pulls wads of COTTON-WOOL out of his EARS.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0840.jpg)

SUDDENLY -- a BELL SOUNDS from across the VALLEY. FRODO looks ALARMED.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0868.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0894.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0895.jpg)

ANGLE ON: SAM slaps at FRODO’s rumpled CLOTHING.

SAM  
But don’t you fret, Frodo dear. A quick tidying up, and you’ll look lovely as ever.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR0827.jpg)

CUT TO:  
INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER, RIVENDELL – DAY

ANGLE ON: ELROND addresses the COUNCIL...

ELROND  
Strangers from distant lands ... friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite ... or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate ... this one doom...

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1843.jpg)

FRODO sits amongst a council of FREE-PEOPLES of Middle-earth, ELROND stands before them, addressing GANDALF, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, and 20 other ELVES, DWARVES, and MEN.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1844.jpg)

ELROND (CONT’D)  
Bring forth the Cock-ring, Frodo.

ANGLE ON: FRODO steps forward and limps towards a stone PLINTH. He places the COCK-RING on the plinth and returns to his SEAT.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1852.jpg)

BOROMIR  
(shocked)  
So it is true!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1855.jpg)

LEGOLAS  
(disbelief)  
Sauron’s Cock-ring! The Ring of Endless Fucking Power!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1885.jpg)

ON THE SOUNDTRACK: The HUM of the COCK-RING sounds.

ANGLE ON: Several members of the COUNCIL shift uncomfortably in their seats as it vibrates through them. BOROMIR stands and begins to approach the COCK-RING, as if drawn to IT.

CLOSE ON: GIMLI looks HORNY.

GIMLI  
Speaking of fucking, I want to know where to find the Dwarf woman!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1862.jpg)

ANGLE ON: ELROND and GANDALF exchange an alarmed GLANCE.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1872.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1848.jpg)

ELROND  
(wary)  
The Dwarf woman?

GIMLI  
(impatient)  
Yes, yes, the Dwarf woman. Don’t tell me you couldn’t hear her mating cry? It’s absolutely unmistakable. Dwarf women are only in the mood every 30 years or so, and I don’t want to miss my chance. 

CLOSE ON: ELROND sinks his head in his HAND.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1884.jpg)

CLOSE ON: FRODO suddenly realizes who Gimli must be talking about and PALES.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1867.jpg)

ANGLE ON: BOROMIR looks INCREDULOUS.

BOROMIR  
Dwarf woman? That was no Dwarf woman, it was a howler monkey. I’ve heard them in the rain forests south of my city. It is the most distinctive sound in Middle-earth.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1905.jpg)

CLOSE ON: ARAGORN rolls his EYES.

ARAGORN  
A howler monkey? In Rivendell? Nonsense, Boromir. It was no howler monkey, but a loon, a common loon. 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1907.jpg)

CLOSE ON: GIMLI looks CRUSHED.

ARAGORN (CONT’D)  
I’m sorry, Gimli.

ANGLE ON: GIMLI suddenly STANDS.

GIMLI  
(frustrated)  
NOT A DWARF WOMAN? AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GIMLI suddenly rushes forward! He swings his axe down on the COCK-RING. 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1943.jpg)

The axe SHATTERS with a deafening CRACK! GIMLI falls backwards staring in disbelief at the COCK-RING ... unharmed!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1946.jpg)

ANGLE ON: FRODO squirms in his seat and looks DISMAYED... 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1954.jpg)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1988.jpg)

ANGLE ON: BOROMIR looks at ARAGORN, COOLLY.

BOROMIR  
And what would a Ranger know of this matter?

ARAGORN says nothing and BOROMIR turns away DISMISSIVELY.

ANGLE ON: LEGOLAS stands...

LEGOLAS  
This is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and the hottest Man in Middle-earth. Are you blind?

ANGLE ON: BOROMIR turns SHARPLY.

BOROMIR  
(total disbelief)  
Aragorn? The hottest Man in Middle-earth? Oh puh-lease.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1912.jpg)

LEGOLAS  
(flipping his hair back over his shoulder)  
Yes. And he’s also the future Loon of Gondor. I mean King. You owe him your allegiance.

BOROMIR  
(snidely)  
Gondor has no loons. Gondor needs no loons. 

LEGOLAS  
(peeved)  
Loon loon loon loon LOON!

GIMLI  
(annoyed)  
Do you have to keep rubbing it in, Elf?

BOROMIR  
It is a howler monkey, you loon! 

GIMLI  
And I still say it is a Dwarf woman! Stop hiding her from me!

A STORM OF ARGUMENT erupts around the room. The words LOON HOWLER MONKEY and DWARF WOMAN are shouted at random INTERVALS.

CLOSE ON: ELROND grits his TEETH.

ELROND  
(muttering)  
So everyone believes a Ranger, do they, Gandalf?

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1953.jpg)

CLOSE ON: FRODO ... sound disappears as he watches in SLOW MOTION ... the angry faces, the shaking fists, the accusatory fingers, his eyes move to the COCK-RING ... The vibration grows stronger in his butt. He bites back a revealing MOAN.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1989.jpg)

GIMLI (CONT’D)  
(shouting)  
Never trust an Elf in a poncho, that’s what I say!

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1975.jpg)

LEGOLAS  
(outraged)  
It’s not a poncho! It’s a… a… velvet wrap thingie. 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1978.jpg)

LEGOLAS (CONT’D)  
(turning to Aragorn)  
Are you going to allow him to speak to me like that?

CLOSE ON: ARAGORN looks DISMAYED.

ARAGORN  
(to himself)  
Hoo boy, Legolas still has it bad.

ARAGORN  
(Elvish: with subtitles)  
Havo dad, Legolas...  
Sit down, Legolas...

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1926.jpg)

ANGLE ON: LEGOLAS flings himself onto ARAGORN’S LAP.

ARAGORN  
Um, I didn’t mean…

LEGOLAS wriggles.

ARAGORN (CONT’D)  
Well, maybe just for a few minutes.

CLOSE ON: FRODO ... breathing rapidly. With a huge effort of will, FRODO tears his gaze from the COCK-RING.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1994-1.jpg)

ANGLE ON: FRODO suddenly stands ... he speaks in a strong, clear VOICE.

FRODO  
You’re all wrong. It wasn’t a loon or a howler monkey or a Dwarf woman. It was me ... It was me, Frodo Baggins ... I’m the one who made those noises, all right?

SUDDEN SILENCE ... FRODO looks around the room at the astonished FACES.

FRODO (CONT’D)  
(with dignity though blushing furiously)  
I’ve always been skilled at, erm, unusual sounds. Ask anyone within a 10 mile radius of Hobbiton. Or possibly 12. And while we’re at it, I suppose I might as well take the Cock-ring to Mordor and throw it in Sauron’s Crack... 

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2006.jpg)

ANGLE ON: GANDALF walks over to FRODO.

GANDALF  
I will help you find Sauron’s Crack, Frodo Baggins, have no fear.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2008.jpg)

ANGLE ON: ARAGORN dislodges LEGOLAS from his LAP.

ARAGORN  
And if by my life or death I can protect you along the cleft, erm, way, I will.

ARAGORN steps forward ... followed by LEGOLAS and GIMLI.

CLOSE ON: FRODO appears insanely GORGEOUS.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2013.jpg)

ARAGORN (CONT’D)  
...you have my sword.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2014.jpg)

LEGOLAS  
And you have my bow.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2020.jpg)

GIMLI  
(with relish)  
And my axe.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2021.jpg)

CLOSE ON: FRODO is ALARMED.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1925.jpg)

FRODO  
(squeaking)  
Um, Sam? Would you get out here, please? Now?

ANGLE ON: BOROMIR looks at them and then walks to FRODO.

BOROMIR  
You have us all by the balls, little one.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2027.jpg)

HE WALKS OVER AND TOUSLES FRODO’S HAIR. FRODO BLANCHES.

SAM  
(unseen)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2028-1.jpg)

A SUDDEN NOISE ... SAM pops up from behind a BUSH!

PULL BACK TO: SAM at FRODO’S SIDE, arms CROSSED.

SAM  
(aggressively)  
Frodo’s not grabbing anyone by the balls except _me_. Understood? Now back away from Frodo. All of you.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2029.jpg)

BOROMIR, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI BACK SLOWLY AWAY FROM FRODO.

SAM (CONT’D)  
(with satisfaction)  
Frodo dear, are you thinking what I’m thinking?

FRODO  
Yes, Sam. Let’s take this dad-blasted Cock-ring and get the heck out of here. Who knows how much longer we’ll have it to use?

FRODO (CONT’D)  
But just one second. There’s something I have to do first.

ANGLE ON: FRODO walks up to ELROND, takes something from his pocket and slips it to the ELF.

FRODO  
(whispering confidentially)  
Lavender oil. It may not be as effective as yak cream, but it’s worth a try. Take it; Sam and I have plenty to spare. And good job on the brows- they look much neater.

CLOSE ON: ELROND stares in ASTONISHMENT.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2036.jpg)

FRODO (CONT’D)

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR1996.jpg)

PULL BACK TO: FRODO and SAM exchange GLANCES.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=frodosamglance.jpg)

FRODO SNATCHES UP THE ONE COCK-RING FROM THE PLINTH AND HE AND SAM BOLT FROM THE COUNCIL CHAMBER AND DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW.

CLOSE ON: GANDALF looks WRY.

[](http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v368/biinfc/?action=view&current=LotR_FotR2040.jpg)

END (until I can dig out more...)

**Author's Note:**

> (Note: Screencaps taken from Screencap Paradise)
> 
> Curious about the yodel of the loon? Listen [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ENNzjy8QjU). 
> 
> Curious about the call of the howler monkey? Listen [here](http://www.junglewalk.com/popup.asp?type=a&AnimalAudioID=9990)
> 
> Alas, I was unable to locate a sound clip for the mating cry of the Dwarf woman. :P


End file.
